KIDS THESE DAYS

It's possible that I am old-fashioned. Highly possible. But I'm finding it hard to understand teenagers or young adults who still act like they are teenagers. I did have to deal with a full adult, close to a cycle older than me (that means 12 years to you non-chinese zodiac speaking peeps) who acted like a teenager too. It's a luxury for them/her basically, not having to act like a professional when they/she should. I just had stricter upbringing, and I had to grow up a lot sooner than most kids. Not sure if it is a boon or a bane yet. Plenty of time to figure that out.

But what really really gets me is that they:
1. do not want to care
2. do not think you should care either because they think negatively of it eg you are speculating which is bad, you are gossiping which is bad, you are trespassing which is bad, you are asking too personal questions which is bad.
3. they do whatever they like, not what they are required to do
4. they reject anything that has the slightest reference to responsibility
5. think life is about them, not the other 6 billion people out there. To think about others takes a lot of them, and they can't handle it. therefore, they don't.

I'm worried about the future of society.

I'm not writing out of frustration, although a bulk of it may sound like it. It's not even disappointment... or disbelief. It's more of a... reflection of what is going on with today's youths.

Things may turn out fine. We may one day delete the use and necessity of marriages and of living together; everyone gets to live on their own or with people they cannot procreate with; news will be about new branded items that have come out and which gives you a chance to stick your credit card through the machine again because last month's transactions didn't screw the credit card enough; and everyone will be out doing charity because that's the way they show the world they care.. what they care about is a full other issue.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm stuck between generations. I have people older than me who says I am too young to be tied down as a mom, and I have friends who are younger than me who look up to me like they do their aunts (or older). To some I'm supposed to have all the answers, but the answers should fit the ones they already have in their head... or they tell me that I am not always right (= you are wrong and I know it cause I say so - welcome to teen logic), while to others I'm suppose to spoonfeed them, tell them how to walk, talk, drink, eat, sleep, be a mom etcetera etcetera etcetera.

Maybe I should stop caring. It would do good to the little soul I have left in me.

NEW NAME, NEW DIRECTION

Right, like 90% of bloggers out there, my blogging was to satisfy either 1. a need to be unapologetically narcissistic and 2. a need to write without caring if anyone reads it - if someone did, it's a bonus. Things get out of control after a month or two when you just about cover everything and anything without a plain and direct purpose.

Today, I take back the reins and decide that everything written here henceforth will be half-bake journals of a working mom. Now that sounds like a good blog name. *resisting the urge to write lol here*...

It's a resolution that I made, almost exactly halfway through the year. Well, at least I made one that I did not break!

Happy new half a year, people!

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HAVING A KID... BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD ME

1. You need extra help.

I am unabashed when it comes to telling people how much we put into the relationship and for the baby when my husband and I got Eva. Considering the fact that most couples in KL out there have help in in-laws and maids, we had only a babysitter who fortunately treats Eva like her own brood. Plus the fact that my husband and I are working full time jobs, it's a miracle how we cope. But we did. And I tell you, it is not easy. Doable, but it would be so much easier and less taxing on your relationship if you did get extra help.

2. You will lose sleep and get used to it.

In the first month after I delivered Eva, I was told to totally rest myself during the confinement period. In total, I only spent 24 days in confinement and most of the rules were relaxed with various alternatives put into play. It was around the third week into my confinement when I helped out with the late night feedings and it was then that I realised how tiring it can be for a full grown healthy adult to wake up every 2 hours to feed a baby who cries nonstop until she is fed. 

This will continue well until your baby is one year old. That means 12 months, that means at least 365 days of torture, 2 months during your confinement, 11 months when you are working. It takes a toll around the third month, but the amazing thing is your body learns to cope. And by the end of six months, even when she doesn't cry in the middle of the night, you will wake up on the dot at 4.30am, just because you are used to it.

3. You have three months (90 days) to fix up your body.

I learned this the hard way. Despite the fact that I had surgery to get Eva out of me, the effects of the surgery was the least of my worries. You feel like a hero, a giant after your baby safely leaves your womb with all ten fingers and ten toes intact, but the fact is he or she got those digits and the rest of his or her body from your body. Yes, every flesh, blood cell, bone and hair in that 6 to 11 lbs baby of yours came from your body, and once it has left your body, you have to start replenishing your body with nutrients, vitamins and more nutrients. The body is in full repair mode in the first 90 days and so it is best that you take calcium pills, more iron and plenty of fat-free healthy food. 

What if I don't? Well, then you would be like me. I tire easily, I have a consistent problem with my right knee (it hurts when I take the stairs or bend). My scar still hurts sometimes although it is gradually stopping to hurt as much as it used to. I had problems with hemorrhoids which is common in the first few months but not when your kid is already 10 months old or more. 

To deal with all those problems, I had to take supplement pills; I'm on calcium and zinc every single day, occasionally I take vitamin C pills as a diet supplement, and I take this bulking agent that tastes like white coffee which helps with my digestive tract. IF I did this in the first three months after delivering Eva, I wouldn't have to take them longer than 90 days.

But I'm coping better after I realised that I am not a super hero and I started taking better care of myself. And believe me, apart from cartoon characters, there are no such thing as superwomen.

4. Your patience will be tried, tried and tried again.

There are times when you will say one of the following or a similar variant:

'I seriously need a break' 

'Can this wait?' Seriously? Can it?'

'For Pete's sake, you gotta be kidding me'

'What do you want from me? What do you want from me?' (adam lambert style)

'I don't really care no more'

... sometimes in that order, though some will cut queue and come in earlier.

What I would suggest when this happens is to 

(A) give yourself some 'me' time; it will help and you can restructure your life, week by week.

(B) have cut off points for each section of your life: work, family, relationship, friends, me time. This means that when you are home, you focus on your family. You do not bring work home. You allocate time for movies, dinner and lovey dovey love time to work on you relationship. You keep in contact with friends and relatives wherever possible. Introduce your child to them slowly and work on that bond that will last many years into the future, for the good of your child. And when possible, update your blog... especially when it makes you feel super duper good when you do.

(C) know when to slow down or when to get away. Speaks for itself, don't it?

(D) reward yourself when you get through a certain tough stage: a tough project at work, a tough time in the family (fights, a funeral, freedom of speech that went in the wrong direction), do something to give yourself a confidence boost or as a pat on your own back (yes it is possible although not physically)

(E) enjoy every minute of it. Kids get in trouble all the time, no point getting angry about it every time something gets spilt or strewn all over the floor, no point screaming your head out every time your kid does something nasty to a favourite bag or dress or shoes, and no point worrying every time your kid falls or tumble or gets a cut (even though you can't help it, understandably), always look for the best in everything. Laugh instead of cry, choose to enjoy it and experience it to the fullest rather than worry about why your life is not perfect. 

Cause it ain't, and it won't happen any time soon. So, stop trying to act like it should be perfect.

5. You will start pinching pennies.

Diapers, clothes that will be outgrown in two months, socks, shoes that are for decor purposes, milk (half of which would be wasted because you don't understand which cry means he or she is hungry), equipment (bottles for each stage of their life), cleaning equipment (wet tissue, bottle brush, sterilising pills, thermos flasks etc), travelling packs, safety items (pins, carseat for kids, baby monitors, baby cots, special pillows) etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... u said it, boss. And they are super duper not cheap. 

6. You appreciate life more.

I now fully understand the miracle of a pregnancy. Not just childbirth which is downright scary and icky and.... nevermind. But something that developed from the size of the head of a needle/pin to a fully formed baby that is 3 kgs heavy... Come to think of it, I don't think I 'understand' it; more precisely, I 'appreciate' it. It's not easy to get pregnant, and it is not easy for the parents to come to terms with the changes they have to make to cope with the new addition to the family. However, 6 billion people and their families have cope, are coping or will be coping with that. Some do it better than others, and it would be great for you to seek inspiration from the few families who did it with flying colours.

You have officially been told.

SPANKING OR SPEAKING SOFTLY?

Eva was sick with the stomach flu two weeks ago. The flu bout lasted a good ten days and I was really drained of energy from what I can still safely call 'taking care' of her, although I didn't really do much. Her dad did most of it, including washing her butt six times a day during her diarrhea marathon. Yes, it was that bad. And no, I am not posting photos to prove it.

Anyways, Eva had fever, diarrhea (we covered that), was vomiting left, right and centre - including once when she vomited all over me and I had no choice but to hold on to her until she finished - was not eating because she had a bloated stomach and was crying and sleeping a lot. The flu also knocked out her dad for a day, he shared most of the same symptoms but recovered after sleeping through it for a full day.

Strangely enough, I just had an awfully busy weekend, working on both days, had achy feet, was suffering from pimples, stressed, lack of sleep, too much coffee and more stress after the event on the weekend and yet... I was fine throughout the whole bout.

... until Eva started demanding extra pampering. And demanded she did.

Constant criers are just asking for it, I say. 

I get it you know? That when babies are sick, they cry a lot.. a whole awful lot. But sometimes it was for no valid reason, they just want to get it out of their system, so when do I get it out of mine? I know it seems like a shallow thing to demand but even though I am a mother, I ain't a saint with an endless amount of patience. 

I let her be usually until she fully recovers; that's when my fuse gets incredibly shorter and to be honest, I blew up several times before I thought of writing this post. But to be clear, it is not because I am advocating the spanking process, in fact, it's the total opposite. At least with Eva, spanking does not work. She prefers the soft-spoken approach.

I spank, you spank, she got spanked

Everybody's happy.

Until she starts throwing a tantrum because we took away her toothbrush (she's going through a teeth-brushing addiction now, most of the time she just bites on the bristles) and she screams on and on and on, her feet kicking ferociously all over the place, she turns and squirms, rolls and wails like a troll, and she does the whole worship routine: while in a seating position she lets her body fall forward until her hands, arms, face, chest and tummy is touching the floor and she continues crying in the safety of er... the floor. *ahem* yes, it is a bit weird but she did it quite consistently so we knew that it was deliberate. Plus, she won't stop until either we give her something she wants (like the packaging box of a medicine tube that she likes to bite, or a toy that is already drowning in her saliva or something as simple as a thing that she can use to make loud noises with) or one of us smacks her. 

I smack her a lot. My heart pains everytime I do and the way she cries is like salt to the wound and she does it very very well. Ultimate guilt trap. So... I stopped. 

And it got to a point where one night I was super tired and decided to turn in early. Eva's dad had night's shift so to speak and Eva threw one of her tantrums only to find her thigh on the smacking end of her dad's palms. It wasn't even as hard as I usually do it, although I go for the spot with the most cushioning as a safety measure. Anyways, she did the whole guilt trap crying bit again and her dad temper was pushed to the brim and his patience meter is totally dried out.

I got up, grabbed Eva who was still crying her heart out and told her softly that she has to stop crying now or Daddy may smack her again. Didn't get her to stop, until I plugged in her pacifier. We all got some sleep, close to five hours' worth... then she woke up and continued sreaming. Her dad was still upset with her fit and so continued sleeping while I tried every method possible to figure out what she wanted. In the end, it was a small drink of water and her pacifier plugged into her mouth again. However, I did notice that she kept waking up in short intervals to check if I was there. 

The following day, she kept sitting close to me, won't let me leave her alone with her dad and she wasn't exactly speaking or responding to her dad the way she normally does. It's one of her main features; her grandma doesn't like it much, she calls it signs of spoilage... as in Eva has been spoiled by her parents, but I disagree. I think that since she looks up to her dad as her saviour everytime I smacked her, now that he has 'turned against her' she wanted him to know that he cannot do that to her without suffering some consequences. 

So the spanking worked for a bit, she did prefer to listen to reason when she found out that both her dad and her mother (me) would not hesitate to smack her if she doesn't behave herself.

Moral of the story is, go with what you think is the best way about this. Do not confine your teaching methods to books or website or even an elder's advice. It's your kid, it's your own flesh and blood, you will figure something out, and chances are, that is the best way for you to teach your kid the rights and wrongs of everything they do. 

Best of luck!