GOALS BEFORE 30

Excuse my fascination with goals, but apart from the fact that I was brought up with goals, it really ensures that things get going and more importantly, get done.

From the day you are born until you come out to work -- which could be between 18 to 23 (or 30 for some people who prefer to study longer) -- almost all your goals are set by somebody that is not you. How many A's to get, distinctions to obtain, ambitions to follow... it's all dictated by your parents, teachers, guardians, even your peers. Until you come out to work, everyone is pretty much following a scale that is set by society. The rest just follows.

So what happens when you come out to work? Many lose their way in the first few years of their working life. It's not to say that they cannot find their way around -- not that kind of loss although it does happen in no-GPS occasions -- but they lose sight of what really matters in their life. For instance, some work and take out the 'play' in life. They stay in the office for 12 to 15 hours, are rarely seen out under the sun and attend office parties that they can't really say no to. 

But I digressed.

Back to the point of this post, yes, what are the goals that one would hope to achieve by 30? Frankly, I wouldn't know because everyone has their own list of things to do before they die: travel, have property and assets, marry, start a family, have their own business, start their own centre, have a gallery named after themselves, get a PhD, fly a plane, find the Loch Ness Monsters etc. 

It doesn't really matter which is it, there is not right or wrong, but at the very least, you have to achieve some goals before a certain time. Else, you will feel it in the next class reunion. It's not shameful to bow to peer pressure, in fact, there seems to be a biological need to feel the pressure or to stand up to it by competing against the rest. How else can you explain how much you hate Carrie's new handbag or killer pumps?

My goals were really set by the time I was 16. Achieving them is in a whole new category but still, I am lucky that I have pretty much most of them covered: Get married and have lovely family and children (1 down, 1 more to go), have a car, get a nice house, a stable career (which I am putting on hold for the time being), a Master's (going for it, hence the pit stop for the career; may consider a PhD if the bill fits but it's not a goal set in stone) and being free from financial despair (after paying for a wedding, an album, a house and everything in it, a kid, a Master's) with plenty of save-save-savings and a walking, talking ATM machine to fall back on (I got two, tee hee hee).

Problem now is, figuring out a new set of goals to achieve before I'm 40. O_o"

DEDICATED PROFESSIONALS

It's too easy to take for granted the needs of our children. While it's natural to think that they are smaller, you would assume that their problems are so much easier to fix. You could not be more wrong.

THE DOCTOR

Believe me when I say that it is important to find the right doctor for your child, especially if they are at that age where you still need to carry them around. The right doctor would be able to handle their sickness and their symptoms more effectively with minimal tears. This will spell good news for you because if you have ever taken your newborn son or daughter to their first checkup, you would know how scary the whole experience can be.

Hence, it is important that you find a doctor who knows what he is doing AND is patient enough to give you his time of the day to make sure your child gets the attention 
he or she wants. 

My favourite doctor is a Dr Khoo who owns a child specialist clinic near Desa Medical Centre in Taman Desa. He was the first doctor to check and treat my daughter, and after having gone through at least two other doctors, Eva has taken a special liking to him. 

Doesn't mean she holds back her tears every time he shoots her up with vaccines though.

But still, you can see the amount of attention he puts into his patients, most of them at that age where they can't communicate to you what is wrong with them, where it is hurting, how bad it is hurting etc. In this case, I personally think, the level of patience he practised when treating them is key to his success with kids. 

He is really fast with the injections too. Once, I thought he was still playing around with Eva when in fact, he has already finished the injection as proven by the special plaster applied to the wound of the needle on her left thigh. He was just trying to divert her attention away from the pain. And he does a really good job at it too.

I highly recommend you taking your child to the KB Child Specialist clinic for a checkup whenever they are sick or when they need their shots, not because I think he is not as expensive as some of the other pediatricians around Klang Valley but if you want your child to be treated with the respect and love that you yourself give to them, he is the doctor to go to.
  

THE HAIR DRESSER

Eva has a healthy lock of hair despite her tender age of 15 months. Compared to other kids her age, she is a happy child without bald spots, who has hair plastered over her cheeks all the way to her nose on a really hot and sweaty day, and has totally finished her first bottle of Johnson baby shampoo within 14 months.  

Apart from having the genes of both her parents and all of her grandparents to thank, she owes her overwhelming crown to a hairdresser whose name until now I do not know yet, (Note to self, ask for her name next time I get my haircut). I shall name her Goddess of hair in tribute of her good advice. 

Goddess of hair told me that newborns should have their heads shaved at regular intervals, all the way until they are 1 year old to ensure healthy locks of hair. Before you freak out, bear in mind that you don't really take your child anywhere for long, until they are capable of at least sitting upright on their own on a baby chair or if they can take anything other than milk as their daily source of nutrition. Hence, it seems a valid thing to do.

Which we did until she was around 8 months old. After that, she had pretty much every cm of her head covered with hair already, so we guessed that was enough. If you don't think that it is necessary for kids to shave their heads, be prepared to face bald patches, uneven growth of hair all over, or hair that takes twice as long to grow to the same length in toddlers. It is not a nice sight, seriously. 
 

THE NANNY

This doesn't really need much explanation, except for a few signs where the nanny is not worthy of taking care of your child. Do take note if your kid is:

• suffering from regular doses of bruises or wounds from falls or knocking into things - there are some nannies who just stay within the proximity with the child but their minds are far far away, as in, in Genting.
• who sleeps a lot at odd hours of the day (hence is very active during night time and stays up as long as Mr Owl does) - chances are there's drowsy medication involved.
• gets sick a lot - some nannies like to 'share' things and mix and match. Illness transfer much more easily through these 'sharing is caring' moments so do take note. 
• in the midst of more kids than one can humanly handle - it's not worth the cheaper charges they offer if you need to take your kid to the doctors a lot. 

Pay attention to who you leave your kids with. Get the nanny's preferences or their point of view when it comes to education, or how you should treat kids etc. This gives you an inside view as to whether or not the nanny shares your point of view when it comes to upbringing practices etc. Voice out if you feel that they are not doing something right and even more so if your child always cry whenever you pass them to the nanny at the door.

THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT

Here are some of the 'equipment', medication and alternatives  I used for Eva within the first year. All photos below are from Amazon.com unless stated otherwise.

Anti-colic feeding bottles are very important but they are not all foolproof. This means that your child may still suffer from the effects of colic which will make them uncomfortable after a feeding if you do not burp them immediately after or sometimes in between feedings.  Nonetheless I still recommend using the Phillips Avent bottles.

Anti colic feeding bottles - Phillips Avent bottles 

To ease the discomfort that may be caused by a bloated stomach (from the inability to digest some of the food stuff due to a weak or maturing digestive system), use Gripe water. The effectiveness is astounding.   

 

 To clear bloatness or stomach discomfort - Woodwards Gripe water 

Some babies do not need pacifiers while others cannot do anything, including sleep, without it. That doesn't mean that you should just get any pacifier from a store and plug it into your baby. Opt for orthodontic pacifiers that are structured to help your baby grow their teeth out properly but only if they can adapt to the structure. Remember that most of the time, your child is the one who chooses these items, regardless of how one alternative can be beneficial for them compared to others. 

If they can't adapt to the better alternative but still need pacifiers, look for those by Phillips Avent. They have a different design for below 6 month-old babies and 18 month-old babies. The size makes all the difference and before you know it, your child will be 'spitting' out the smaller pacifiers because they just don't fit no more. I replaced my daughter's 2 pacifiers only when she turned 1 even though I'm supposed to get her a new one every three months. Darn buggers are expensive but worth every penny in the RM14 price zone.

The original pair were still in working order; Eva just outgrew the size of the pacifiers. So far, she has six to her name already. I'm hoping she will outgrow them all soon.

 

  Pacifiers (free flow) - Phillips Avent BPA Free pacifiers 

Huggies has a range of diapers for newborns, small size, med size and large sizes. They also have the dry pants type, the dry type, the dry comfort type, ultra and newborn. Eva is loving the New and Improved 'Dry Comfort' one that is in red (but not as pictured below). Visit this link for the full range of diapers available by the brand.

 

  Diapers - Huggies Dry Comfort (Huggies.com.my) 

Baby wipes are darn important and you won't know how important they are until you find that your baby has pooped in an area where there are no baby facilities and the toilets are so darn dirty you won't even poop in there even if they paid you.

Wipes should be fragrance-free to prevent any form of allergies or rashes forming on their private areas. Rashes are a consistent source of discomfort to your baby and can actually be a sign of something more sinister lurking in the creases of your baby's bum bum. There are many baby creams that I can recommend to you to get rid of the rashes, or talcum powders and such, but the best way to clear rashes is to air their bum bums (think cotton/cloth napkins) or just prevent the rashes from the start. I suggest Pureen's baby wipes.

 Baby wipes (fragrance free) - Pureen (from pureen.com.sg)

Last and most importantly, baby formula! Now I know that Enfalac/Enfagrow seems to be the best milk around (according to the ads and heavy marketing tactics out there) but I swear by Anmum when it comes to weaning your kids off baby formula to normal foods. The few kids that I've seen and know grew up with Enfa milk have a hard time getting their appetites up for normal food like cereals, rice, noodles etc. Bread and junk food they can deal with but that's not a long term solution, is it?

Don't have to take my word for it, give it a shot. Anmum's only side effect I can see so far is that the baby sweats a lot, hence you may need to invest in air-conditioning for hot nights - which isn't exactly a stretch of your budget since Malaysia is so darn hot in the first place... might as well get that Panasonic Inverter AC installed straight away.

 

Milk formula - Anmum Essentials 1, 2 and 3 (alibaba.com)

And there you have it. It may or may not work with your baby as each baby is different but there will be a need for a lot of trial-and-error to get the best equipment and person for your baby's well-being. All the best and Good luck!

 

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HAVING A KID... BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD ME

1. You need extra help.

I am unabashed when it comes to telling people how much we put into the relationship and for the baby when my husband and I got Eva. Considering the fact that most couples in KL out there have help in in-laws and maids, we had only a babysitter who fortunately treats Eva like her own brood. Plus the fact that my husband and I are working full time jobs, it's a miracle how we cope. But we did. And I tell you, it is not easy. Doable, but it would be so much easier and less taxing on your relationship if you did get extra help.

2. You will lose sleep and get used to it.

In the first month after I delivered Eva, I was told to totally rest myself during the confinement period. In total, I only spent 24 days in confinement and most of the rules were relaxed with various alternatives put into play. It was around the third week into my confinement when I helped out with the late night feedings and it was then that I realised how tiring it can be for a full grown healthy adult to wake up every 2 hours to feed a baby who cries nonstop until she is fed. 

This will continue well until your baby is one year old. That means 12 months, that means at least 365 days of torture, 2 months during your confinement, 11 months when you are working. It takes a toll around the third month, but the amazing thing is your body learns to cope. And by the end of six months, even when she doesn't cry in the middle of the night, you will wake up on the dot at 4.30am, just because you are used to it.

3. You have three months (90 days) to fix up your body.

I learned this the hard way. Despite the fact that I had surgery to get Eva out of me, the effects of the surgery was the least of my worries. You feel like a hero, a giant after your baby safely leaves your womb with all ten fingers and ten toes intact, but the fact is he or she got those digits and the rest of his or her body from your body. Yes, every flesh, blood cell, bone and hair in that 6 to 11 lbs baby of yours came from your body, and once it has left your body, you have to start replenishing your body with nutrients, vitamins and more nutrients. The body is in full repair mode in the first 90 days and so it is best that you take calcium pills, more iron and plenty of fat-free healthy food. 

What if I don't? Well, then you would be like me. I tire easily, I have a consistent problem with my right knee (it hurts when I take the stairs or bend). My scar still hurts sometimes although it is gradually stopping to hurt as much as it used to. I had problems with hemorrhoids which is common in the first few months but not when your kid is already 10 months old or more. 

To deal with all those problems, I had to take supplement pills; I'm on calcium and zinc every single day, occasionally I take vitamin C pills as a diet supplement, and I take this bulking agent that tastes like white coffee which helps with my digestive tract. IF I did this in the first three months after delivering Eva, I wouldn't have to take them longer than 90 days.

But I'm coping better after I realised that I am not a super hero and I started taking better care of myself. And believe me, apart from cartoon characters, there are no such thing as superwomen.

4. Your patience will be tried, tried and tried again.

There are times when you will say one of the following or a similar variant:

'I seriously need a break' 

'Can this wait?' Seriously? Can it?'

'For Pete's sake, you gotta be kidding me'

'What do you want from me? What do you want from me?' (adam lambert style)

'I don't really care no more'

... sometimes in that order, though some will cut queue and come in earlier.

What I would suggest when this happens is to 

(A) give yourself some 'me' time; it will help and you can restructure your life, week by week.

(B) have cut off points for each section of your life: work, family, relationship, friends, me time. This means that when you are home, you focus on your family. You do not bring work home. You allocate time for movies, dinner and lovey dovey love time to work on you relationship. You keep in contact with friends and relatives wherever possible. Introduce your child to them slowly and work on that bond that will last many years into the future, for the good of your child. And when possible, update your blog... especially when it makes you feel super duper good when you do.

(C) know when to slow down or when to get away. Speaks for itself, don't it?

(D) reward yourself when you get through a certain tough stage: a tough project at work, a tough time in the family (fights, a funeral, freedom of speech that went in the wrong direction), do something to give yourself a confidence boost or as a pat on your own back (yes it is possible although not physically)

(E) enjoy every minute of it. Kids get in trouble all the time, no point getting angry about it every time something gets spilt or strewn all over the floor, no point screaming your head out every time your kid does something nasty to a favourite bag or dress or shoes, and no point worrying every time your kid falls or tumble or gets a cut (even though you can't help it, understandably), always look for the best in everything. Laugh instead of cry, choose to enjoy it and experience it to the fullest rather than worry about why your life is not perfect. 

Cause it ain't, and it won't happen any time soon. So, stop trying to act like it should be perfect.

5. You will start pinching pennies.

Diapers, clothes that will be outgrown in two months, socks, shoes that are for decor purposes, milk (half of which would be wasted because you don't understand which cry means he or she is hungry), equipment (bottles for each stage of their life), cleaning equipment (wet tissue, bottle brush, sterilising pills, thermos flasks etc), travelling packs, safety items (pins, carseat for kids, baby monitors, baby cots, special pillows) etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... u said it, boss. And they are super duper not cheap. 

6. You appreciate life more.

I now fully understand the miracle of a pregnancy. Not just childbirth which is downright scary and icky and.... nevermind. But something that developed from the size of the head of a needle/pin to a fully formed baby that is 3 kgs heavy... Come to think of it, I don't think I 'understand' it; more precisely, I 'appreciate' it. It's not easy to get pregnant, and it is not easy for the parents to come to terms with the changes they have to make to cope with the new addition to the family. However, 6 billion people and their families have cope, are coping or will be coping with that. Some do it better than others, and it would be great for you to seek inspiration from the few families who did it with flying colours.

You have officially been told.

WORLD PEACE CAN WAIT

The Star Online > Tuesday December 22, 2009

BROTHERS ARGUE OVER INHERITANCE AT MUM'S GRAVE

THREE brothers did not only refuse to look after their ailing mother when she was alive, they even fought over her property at her grave, reported Harian Metro.

The sad case was related by the founder of a home for the aged, Muji Sulaiman, who expressed disgust at the actions of the brothers.

“They quarrelled over their mother’s assets when her grave was still fresh,” he said.

The brothers also demanded that Muji surrender their mother’s death certificate to enable them to withdraw her Amanah Saham Bumi­putra savings although the woman had left instruction for her money to be bequeathed to the needy.

Muji said the woman, who suffered from diabetes and hypertension, was sent to the home by her children about two years ago.

None of the brothers visited her despite numerous calls from workers when her health deteriorated.

The brothers only came to their mother’s grave after she was buried, and then only to fight over her belongings.

----

It is very disturbing, to the point where many adults nowadays chose to remain unmarried and childless, for fear that they will in turn be turned out into the cold by their offspring during their golden years.

But what of those who have kids, and who can celebrate huge gatherings, reunions and kenduris together? What of those with sons who bring them on vacations, who walk patiently and slowly with them behind the busy crowd and hold their hands and lifted their elbows for fear that they misstep? What of the daughters who bring their children home every weekend to visit their grandparents, help their mothers cook and give massages to their fathers?

They are of the same flesh and bone as their violent counterparts, yes, those who hit the elderly, who leave them without protection, shelter or food and who argue at the fresh graves of their recently deceased parents with equally unemotional siblings over their rightfully owned inheritance.

If we are all the same, how can we treat those who brought this to this world so differently?

[Rambling mode kicks in.]

Right, the problem here is the upbringing, the environment and other external factors such as traumatic experiences, the peer group they mix in and the different values of the people they marry.

Say what?

All women go through labour and so they would go to the ends of the earth to protect, love and care for their young ones. No wait, some go through the relatively painless Caesarean section and forgo the all-hell-breaks-loose pain of childbirth.. so that isn't a main factor. While others just deliver the baby then throw them in a dumpster or leave them in religious buildings so someone else more 'responsible' will find the baby and care for it. And they themselvse are off, scot-free. So...

Hey, all parents love their children, even animals know to care for their young ones. No, wait, hamsters eat their young, usually forsaking the first generation so that they can produce stronger second-generation children that will survive in the wilderness or in the cage of a 12-year-old eager beaver. And not all parents love their children the right way: some abuse their children, some shower them with material gifts but none of the parental sort, some just leave them with sitters, grandparents or in homes because they can't take it.

Okay then, so... hey, what about the fact that parents are more educated now and thus will provide children with the best education possible which include being respectful to their elderly. But hey, don't doctors, lawyers and hot shot managers also throw their old and dying parents into homes? Why, yes, and why is that?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because they are academically inclined but not taught the correct moral values or in their pursuit of academic and career excellence, they forgo family, bonds and relationships? Since family will always be there and in most careers, once an opportunity comes and you don't grab it, it may be lost forever, not going home for Chinese New Year suddenly becomes a necessity rather than a choice.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that more women are going to work and no one is around to take care, teach and train their children to be better individuals. Maybe it's because when women are getting better roles in the working world and losing their roles in homes, men are still not chipping in because going to the office is a whole lot more important (and bloody easier) than managing the kids at home, doing housework, managing the kids' schedule around their own work schedule, and during Sundays tending to the bbq and watching football are what they are entitled to after a 'busy' week at work.

Oh, I just don't know.

[Switching back to non-rambling mode.]

Ahem... society is made up all kinds of people. The old Chinese says that 'one type of rice feeds one hundred types of people'. This means that even though we eat the same food, we are not made from the same mould. Some of us prefer chocolate, others vanilla. Some of us are righteous, some cruel and conniving. Some like rainy days, while others have a lot of washing to put out to dry. And as we are with our preferences, we are also as fidget-minded when it comes to loving our family, especially when your spouse who grew up without either of your parents has a say about it.

"I love your mom too but she is becoming senile and I don't want her cursing around the children. I'm tired of picking up after her, cleaning her messes off the floor and having to look for my car keys under her bed everything I need to leave the house. Maybe a home is a better alternative for her. We can afford it and she will have friends there." Argument ensues.

Sometimes couples (or even siblings) argue over the smallest of things, like pinching the toothpaste tube on the middle or from the bottom, taking dinner with the tv or without, and chopsticks vs forks (it happens in my house) sagas. Sooner or later, this flows over to the parent zone. Whether it is staying in the same house with them, or going over to their house for gatherings, or caring for them after hip surgery, if either of the couple finds any of this a hassle, arguments will surely follow. If either of them thinks it is their responsibility as children to care of the elders, that they owe their position in life now to the past contributions of the elders, and that these things are nothing compared to the sacrifices of their parents or parents-in-law did... then perhaps there is hope for the coming generations.

It would be nice to see independent and working adults doing their best for their parents, returning the love and care that their parents showered them with when they were vulnerable and dependent once.

World peace. Can wait.
---
Note: For what it's worth, newspapers only publish the odd and interesting, which usually makes up less than 5% of the normal and mundane real world.

So there is still hope.

CHANGE

The Chinese have a saying: when a woman gives birth, she has one foot in a coffin (death) and another on land (life). This roughly translates to a life-or-death experience or a near-death one. Needless to say, a childbirth experience is traumatic to both the mother and the child.

Some women endure up to 2 days (48 hours) of labour pain before giving birth. Imagine pushing 3 kg of flesh and bone out of your body through a hole that previously couldn’t fit three fingers (that’s how they check if you are dilated and ready for labour).

I cannot place myself in the same group of these brave mothers who had opted for a natural delivery. As I was diabetic, I had to deliver earlier than the due date. The doctor told me that I can choose between an induced natural labour or a C-section. Two months before I had to make that decision, my sister had opted for an induced natural delivery. Her doctors could not pinpoint her due date and so to prevent anything untoward from happening, the doctor suggested an induced natural delivery.

My sister had to suffer through 8 hours of pain, only to have the baby delivered in the end through C-section.

Naturally, I went for the C-section. Don’t judge. If you do, try watching a real-life natural childbirth process on Youtube before you do.

But the point of the story in this post is that after childbirth, after 9 months of pregnancy, the pain, the suffering, the anguish of it all not to mention 4 months of intense vomiting day in and day out, I felt as if I was given a second outlook of life.

I had a short fuse when I was growing up. I was also plenty impatient and domineering. Everything had to be perfect, planned and proper. I do not take lightly to people who did things that are not considered morally correct like getting pregnant before marriage, giving bribes to get out of situations and parking at the disable’s parking spot.

After becoming a mother however, I took a step back and re-evaluated my life. I felt that there were so many things to do, share and experience with the people you love. No, I’m not becoming all gushy or turning into a pansy. I just grew up, just upper than before, in a sense.

Now, things that make other people lose their temper don’t faze me much. I’ve accepted that there are certain rules that makes life life. For example, I view discrimination a lot more lightly than I used to because no matter how good you are, there will always be someone better, and another person worse than you. So, discrimination serves no purpose but to remind people that life is not fair. Apart from that, if you do not comply to the effects of discrimination, it can do you no harm.

As for being domineering and controlling, life’s too short to have everything so perfect. To have everything fall perfectly into place, that’s the magical part of it. I look forward to that every single day now.

Lastly, sometimes people do immoral things just to get through in life. They may have it harder than you and so it should be okay once in a while to cut them some slack.

Getting pregnant before marriage is so common now, that the worry is now on whether or not the father and mother of the unborn child will take responsibility of it rather than short-change it out of an opportunity in life, for their own selfish reasons.

Giving bribes is still a big no no but sometimes it is between parting with a few hundred dollars or going to jail because of tampered evidence. Which would you choose if you were in that situation?

Parking in a disable’s parking spot tells you a lot about the driver of the car. For some people, knowing the true character about the people around them is very important. If a person has no qualms about taking the disable’s parking spot, it shows a lack of compassion and understanding in that person. Knowing that bit about that person can actually help you make interesting and important decisions regarding that person.

Every single thing that happens around you, as the cliché goes, happens for a reason (Hey, a cliché won’t be around for so long if it ain’t true). It is up to you to decipher what message every situation has for you.

For me, the messages I am receiving now is that I need change in my life. I’ve taken the first step and am now waiting for opportunities to prove myself. I’m trying very hard to chase my dream in hopes that one day I will be able to encourage my daughter to do the same.

Now all I got to do is wait.

WHAT TO EXPECT DURING CHECKUPS

First checkup: Confirmation of pregnancy and heartbeat
Your first checkup would usually be for the confirmation of a pregnancy. This can occur in two ways. One is a test with a pregnancy kit. The second is with an ultrasound scan. Usually the ultrasound scan is done after confirmation with a positive result from the pregnancy kit and is in turn used to confirm the presence of a beating heart.

Below 8 weeks (sometimes 10 wks) you may need a full bladder for the ultrasound scan. This is to pinpoint the location of the uterus so that the doctor will know where to point the transducer (that’s the thing that they ‘scroll’ all over your abdomen to ‘see’ or scan for the embryo).

If you are too early, the embryo may not turn up on the scan. Then, the doctor or sonographer will suggest one of two things: to have a transvaginal scan or to wait for a few weeks more until the embryo is big enough to see.

Note that at 8 weeks a typical embryo is only about half an inch to three-quarters of an inch big.

During my own scans, my pregnancy was confirmed at 6 weeks with a kit at the doctors. I went for a scan but my doctor couldn’t see the baby yet and so she asked me to wait for a couple of weeks as according to her the transvaginal scan is ‘not very comfortable’. So I waited about two weeks for the embryo to reach 8 weeks and went back. Another doctor was working at the time and she immediately arranged for me to get a transvaginal scan… which was really not comfortable, believe me.

But I did get to see my baby for the first time. So it was worth it.


Periodical checkups: Charting the development of the baby
In the first trimester (first three months) the baby is known as an embryo, From the fourth month onwards, it is known as the foetus until birth. The development of the baby is charted against the statistics of other babies.

Some of the measurements taken during the monthly checkups are:
• the crown-rump length of the baby*
• the circumference of the head
• the circumference of the abdomen (tummy)
• the length of the femur (in the second trimester when bones are more pronounced)

*The crown-rump length is the length of from the baby’s head to
its bum bum (bottom), as this is the position readily assumed
by the baby inside the confined space of the womb.
Source: fetal.com

During checkups the doctor may also monitor the heartbeat (sometimes with a Doppler scanner to ensure that there are no irregularities in the heartbeat), check on the gut, heart, brain, the development of the backbone and how active your baby is.

During the scan, the doctor will also check on the availability of the amniotic fluid inside the womb. Too much or too little of the amnion fluid may be of concern but always check with your doctor if anything worries you.

The doctor will also need to chart your blood pressure, check your urine for the presence of protein or glucose and take measurements of your weight. The height taken is only a one-time thing.

Tests and perpetuating the fear of needles
Amniocentesis and Down Syndrome check.
Around week 15 to week 20, you doctor may ask you if you want to screen for Down syndrome. You doctor will show you statistics that show the probability that your baby has it depending on your age and other indications during the scans or based on the results of your urine tests. This is currently done through amniocentesis: the fluid inside the womb is taken out with a syringe for testing. The results will only be available in a week or two.

I did not opt for mine as I was not in the high-risk group (mother being 35 years old or older) and I do not like the idea of having a syringe poked into my womb.

Checking for diabetes
Around Week 24 you will be submitted to a glucose tolerance test. You will need to fast from 10 pm or midnight the day before, go to the clinic and have your blood taken, then drink an extremely sweet drink, wait for two hours then have your blood taken again. This test is really important to ensure that you are not diabetic during or due to the pregnancy.

I was diagnosed to have gestational diabetes when I ‘failed’ this test. The glucose levels in my blood were in the ‘impaired’ zone, which means that I am diabetic but it can still be controlled through my diet. A more serious case would need control through medication and is not healthy for the pregnant mother or for the baby.

Since I was diagnosed with GD, I have to take glucose tests every month in which I have my arm jabbed four times a day, three times before meals and once before bedtime. For most this would perpetuate a lifelong fear of needles. For me, I’ve grown accustomed to it. The matter was worsened by the fact that most of the poking were done on my left arm, as my right arm does not have veins pronounced enough for them to draw blood from.

Imagine having been poked by 28 needles through the whole pregnancy, four of which was caused by a botched test. I don’t want to talk about that.

I've had enough of you to last a lifetime!

Other things to look out for
By the time your foetus reaches 7 months, he or she will be around 1.5 kg. In the last three months, you will experience, have or see more weight gain, stretch marks, cravings, cramps, fatigue, difficulty in breathing, constant toilet trips (including in the middle of nights) and more checkups. The checkups will go from once every four weeks to once every two weeks to once every week.

The foetus is sometimes more vulnerable during the last trimester as many things may go wrong. It is extremely important that you watch your diet during this time as some research show that what you eat during the final months of the pregnancy will lead to having a hypersensitive baby with allergies.

Weight gain and size development of the baby is also crucial at this juncture. In almost all the cases of pregnancies around me, the foetuses were found to have stop growing near the 8th month. I have a friend who has to deliver one month early because the baby has stopped growing since the 7th month. The baby’s weight during birth barely reached 2.5 kg.

Weight gain in the baby does not rely solely on the mother’s food intake during the last trimester. You can keep eating and eating but it may not go into your baby for reasons that even doctors do not understand. However, if weight gain in the baby seems to balloon out of control, this is also reason for worry as cases of stillbirth are linked to foetuses being overweight. I have another friend whose sister in law lost her baby due to this. The heart stopped at the 7-month mark. This will be very traumatic for the mother so take heed and be cautious about your eating habits during the last trimester.

Conclusion and disclaimer (as usual):
Exercise, eat healthily, be safe, go slow, listen to advice from other mothers, communicate with your doctor, be watchful, savour the nine months and wait eagerly for the arrival of our baby because believe me, it will come to an end eventually (even though you feel like this will go on forever =)) and you will have a new beginning!

As usual, here comes the disclaimer. I am not a doctor, a practitioner, a nurse, a medical lecturer, a gynaecologist not even a medic student. I am a woman, a mother, a wife, once-pregnant-now-free and a blogger who just loves to dissipate information. The things I write here, I will tell my sister, my daughter or my female friends who are pregnant. Hence, I find them fit to put here to share.

However, do understand that everything is different for everyone and you should not take the information here word-for-word. Talk to your doctor or do your own research. Make educated choices and informed decisions for yourself and for your baby.

Lastly, congrats on your pregnancy and I pray that all will go well for you and your baby.

WHAT IS AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY?

The office was supposed to be surprised by good news of a colleague just conceiving. However, after several agonizing visits to the doctor’s, my colleague was given the sad news that she may not be able to keep the baby. The final results are to come out in two days' time but essentially, the problem is that she has conceived, but the embryo is not at the right place.

This is known as an ectopic pregnancy.

An ectopic pregnancy occurs when an implantation has occurred but not on the uterine wall. This means that it could be anywhere else, in the Fallopian tube, in the ovary or even in the abdomen. An ectopic pregnancy usually will self-abort, in the form of a miscarriage due to the embryo not receiving a sufficient supply of blood, which it would have found had it been implanted on the uterine wall.

Tubal abortions may go unnoticed and can be left untreated. However, some ectopic pregnancies may cause ruptures in the Fallopian tubes and cause pain in the abdomen or vaginal bleeding. Excessive bleeding may endanger the mother’s life and the mother should seek medical attention immediately.

In my colleague’s case, the embryo is in around its 4th week. She has a history of irregular menstrual periods. Her last one was three month’s back.

When the doctor told her the possibility of her not being able to keep the baby, she was extremely sad. She sought medical opinions from two other doctors but they all told her the same story.

This is what the embryo would have looked like in another 4 weeks.

Early on in my pregnancy before it was confirmed I was experiencing pain in my left abdomen. I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time and my menstrual period was 12 days late. I had the feeling that I was pregnant although I didn’t act on the instinct by checking myself with a pregnancy kit or taking better care of my diet and drinking less coffee. I felt that I was already carrying a baby but I never dreamt that the feeling could be true.

If it wasn’t for that abdominal pain, I wouldn’t have read up on ectopic pregnancies or gone to see the doctor. Turns out, it was just gas, something I suffered severely from throughout the 9 months of pregnancy. Still, this experience carried two lessons: that you should always listen to your body and that you should always visit the doctor when your body tells you to.

Taking care of the future

One of the hottest topic on local news now regards the sandwiched generation and their commitments to the people who took care of them and to the people they are to take care of.

I've been following the opinion letters written in by people who shared their experiences with their parents and why they chose to or not to take care of their elderlies. Some says that it is not hard to take care of old people, some say that it is, some wants the government to intervene to ease their financial burdens (as they do in every single issue of their life) and some even stated that it was not worth it.

This makes me really sad. Not because I revel in the need to have everyone taken care by someone to find peace in this world, but that in reality, not all parents are good and not all children who dump their parents in old folks' homes are bad. I know of kids who never speak to their fathers (my husband is in that category a while ago), fathers who do not bother helping their wives to take care of their babies and mothers who would sell their kids in an instant to make a few extra cash.

The problem is, with parenting, you do not need any pre-requisites or qualifications to be a parent. You can suck at it and still be able to call yourself a father or a mother. But if I believe in there being a supreme being out there watching over us, I'd like to believe in karma and an eye being for an eye.

Your child will repeat what you do. It's part of their learning process. So if they see you drop your parents in a government hospital then refuse to pay the bills so they stay in there, don't be surprised or upset if they do the same to you by the time you reach your golden years.

As for those who love their children to bits and expect that they return the favour when they are grown up, I say do yourself and your kids a favour. Stash some money for yourself and for your partner. Just because you're vegetarian, it doesn't mean an angry bull will not charge at you. Get out of the way first before you give it a reason to knock you down. Similarly, help yourself first so you can help your kids help you. If you think things are too expensive now, it will get worse when your kid is out there in the working world.

Pain Management

A brief conversation with an ex-coursemate let to this particular topic. When I got married, my colleague who has a beautiful 2 year old girl told me that women are capable of forgetting the pain of childbirth.

From the videos I've seen of actual childbirth (okay, maybe I've seen one... okay fine maybe it's just a still photo... okay FINE.. It was a picture from a pregnancy book... sheesh) I don't think that that sort of pain is easily forgettable.

Scientifically, the body releases a hormone which can help the mother 'forget' the pain of childbirth. It is probably a survival instinct - since you can't be taking care of your baby when you're in all that pain - that doubles as matter of convenience; how else do you explain siblings?

Being the skeptic that I am, it wasn't until my second day at the delivery centre that I experienced this phenomenon and became a believer. After a Caesarean section, you will be asked, within 6 hours from your operation, to stand up and walk around... slowly, of course... but you MUST walk in order to speed up the recuperation process.

When my husband was around in the morning, I had a hard time getting up and bearing the pain, even with the painkillers in my system. One scary thing that resulted from this was that my IV fluid tube was partially filled with blood, exerted from my body due to the stress I was in from trying to get up. Twice, and the second time was after I rested enough for all the blood to flow back into my system.

Later, my husband went home to pick up my breakfast and ... the nurse decided to push my baby into the room for me to breastfeed. Whoa... one soldier is missing and I'm practically down, sergeant. Whatchu want me to do? You want me to WHAT?! You gotta be kidding me...

But you know what? I swear, from the bottom of my heart, that the moment I saw my newborn, I was moving like a choo choo train all over the place. The pain was suddenly bearable, in fact I didn't even notice if I was in pain apart from the moment I had to lift myself from a sleeping position to a sitting position or off my bed (which were supposedly when the pain hits the hardest).

Then, I was seriously all over the place. The pain, I'm told, is not as bad as childbirth but if it works as a temporary relief whereby the presence or absence of your baby becomes the determining factor, I think that being able to forget the pain of childbirth is a plausible occurence.

Caesarean Section 101

I is back. In pain but doing fine. So, back to writing.

I always look forward to new experiences. This would explain why I do some things at an earlier age than the average Joey. Doesn't mean I know any better or that I am better prepared. I just feel that life is more fulfilling that way. Even if we are talking about a C-sec or a Caesarean section.

Technically a Caesarean section is major surgery, whilst natural birth is major pain. Let's leave it at that. Either way, the baby is coming out and the mother will be in mind-numbing pain: natural birth, during; C-sec, after.

So what happens in a C-sec? I'd suggest the guys skip this article, unless their wife is delivering and they are dragged or being forced into the operating theatre, whereby I think it is more important that you know what you are getting yourself into, than to feign ignorance throughout the whole process.

The Prep

You arrive at the delivery place of your choice the night before, or in my case, an hour before where a nurse will prep you for your surgery. They will shave unwanted hair off you so that it does not get in the way of the delivery. They will dress you in a degrading one-piece, opened back dressing gown with hideous flowery patterns. They will also be controlling your urine output by inserting a tube in you, somewhere, I'm not sure where, but it doesn't hurt and you don't have to get up and pee for a day.

Once the doctor is done with their other patients, the anesthesia doctor will come in (you will become increasingly anxious) and tell you what he will be doing for you in terms of pain management:

"We will be giving you half body anesthesia so that you will be awake (awake? why would I want to be awake?!) during the surgery. You will feel no pain (are you sure? what if you miss?!) and you will be able to hear and see your baby the moment he or she comes out of your womb (oh my god, this is it, isn't it?!) and your husband (who me?) is joining us right? (Do I have a choice now?) Okay, we will suit him up and we will let him cut the umbilical cord if he wants to (Oh great, I have something of significance to do. What the...? How come you get to cut the umbilical cord? Cause you will be out from the meds. Oh, right.)."

And off he goes, and you wait summore.

The Doctor is in the House

First part: Anaesthesia
So once your surgeon is done with his previous engagements it will be your turn. You will be asked to sign something like a consent form (I'd suggest you read yours first before you sign, I was too excited to be reading anything at the time) and then they will wheel you down to the operating table. And then, everything happens at the speed of light. Seriously. It's like they all have a movie to go to and you are holding them up.

You will be given anesthesia at your spinal cord (some people call this an epidural, I still can't find the distinction between an epidural shot and a non-epidural shot) and although it is cold and you are scared, the surgeon will ask you to try to not shiver. Even if it is beyond your control. At this point, it helps to breathe in and out slowly because you have to be really still for the doctor to give you the shot. It doesn't hurt if you can stand insect bites and it is over in 5 seconds.

Then, they make you lie down. You begin to fill numbness all over the lower part of your body. You will still feel pressure points, but you will not feel pain. In case you are fearful of the anesthesia not working fast enough, move your feet, swirling them at the ankles. The moment the med kicks in, you won't be able to swirl it anymore, then you know you won't feel any pain.

You will still shiver your butt off (figuratively speaking) and it helps to have someone you know in the room with you. My husband was there, and the moment he held my hand I stopped shivering.. for like 5 seconds. Beggars can't be choosers.

Second part: "The delivery"
My surgeon told me it will be done in half an hour and he kept to his word. Five minutes after I was laid down, the doctor say you will feel a bit of a pressure, which I did all the way down my abdomen as they push my daughter out of me, and then I heard my daughter's first word: WAAAHHHHHHHH.

The surgeon shows me my baby's bum (instead of her face) before they took her away to clean her and it took me a while to realize that he was showing me my baby's sex. Hey, I knew she was a girl from my 6th month of pregnancy. It's not gonna surprise me. What did surprise me was she was covered in white fluid-like residue all over instead of blood. This turned out to be the amniotic fluid. If it was natural labour, you would see the baby covered with blood.

Then, my husband was summoned over to God-knows-where and I was left there shivering, again...

Intermission: Go get a breather.

Third part: The baby

You know, the moment you know you are a mother is when your baby's cries can automatically reduce you to tears.

As stated in the last paragraph I was left there shivering on my own... and subjected to the torture of not knowing what the heck is making my baby cry like that! Honestly, what you don't know really will scare you.

Later on, I found out that the father was asked over to cut the umbilical cord (which has a higher tensile strength than your IV tube), inspect the baby throughout; and the baby had to have her nose and lungs cleared out with tubes and equipment. My husband could not be more specific, he was too much in awe from seeing his daughter, face to face. Childbirth has that effect on fathers, apparently.

Fourth part: Closure
Your partner will leave you to the care of your doctors because they had to follow the baby out and so you may have to go through this part alone. Your surgeon will be doing a lot of pushing downwards on you to clear your placenta and to stitch you up. You will also hear a lot of suction as they clear out the amniotic fluid, blood and other fluids that are supposed to be taken out from your body.

From the time I saw my baby's butt until they wheeled me out of surgery, it took 25 mins the most. My doctor even showed me the amount of blood loss I had throughout the surgery, just enough to fill a Coca Cola can. And I was breastfeeding within an hour from the moment I went into the Operating Theatre (OT).

Overall, even though it was a Caesarean section, major surgery, with anesthesia and constant shivering... the thing that hurt the most was this:
That's the way they use to insert the meds and IV fluids into your body. When they were trying to plug it into you, it will hurt.

I was discharged two days after. And that's when the pain of parenthood hits you.

To be continued...

Info on contractions

Had my first set of contractions today. It wasn't fun. The pain comes fast and sharp, and within half an hour I've had it three times. The fourth came about 15 minutes later, after that I was just feeling all sore, down there.

Fearing the worst, I made a list and checked it twice, gave instructions to my colleague to help me settle some last minute work and drove myself home. The last part gave my other colleagues a scare.

"What if you get contractions again?" Er... I'll stop and take a break first?

"Why don't you just get your husband to come pick you up?" Err.. it will take forever for him to get here. I am trying to beat the jam here, hence leaving earlier than expected.

"Will you deliver here in the office?!" Err.. that's why I am taking off earlier than closing time. I won't want my water to burst here on the floor, in the office, miles away from the hospital and my home.

By the way, my husband only found out about it when I arrived home. As in, I opened the door and found him looking at me with wide open eyes, saying "why are you home?"

"I'm having contractions.. and we haven't packed."

Yes, we have not packed 'everything'. I mean, I have all the baby stuff ready two weeks before this but most of the mommy stuff, I was going to leave until the end of this week to pack. I am due in another 18 days, which by most standards is still a long way off. [I think].

We got to our usual clinic at a little after 6 pm, after I've taken a relatively long bath, washed my hair and had a nice meal - three things you should do before you go deliver - only to have the doctor put her fingers in me and declared me still 'undilated'. I wasn't sure if I was more disapppointed (having to wait to see Eva), or more relieved as we have yet to prepare for 'help' to arrive so soon.

My doctor gave me medical leave for a day. And I am to return tomorrow for another check to see if I should be given extended medical leave.

By the way: in order to find out if your contractions are real or not, notice the following:
(a) the contractions should start from the top of your belly and make its way down towards the front of your tummy; it is not isolated in one particular spot.
(b) it will occur in intervals and it will not stop. The intervals will become shorter and shorter. If it stops then it is a false alarm.
(c) if your uterus suddenly feels very tight or you feel that there is tightening of the tummy when you walk, then be aware that is one of the symptoms. The contractions, however, is a more accurate symptom.

When my doctor was checking my tummy for tightening, she was saying that sometimes if the baby is too active, the uterus will tighten itself to calm to kid down, or to restrict its movements. Something like a natural elastic blanket which has a mind of its own. This act could be mistaken for contractions. Although mine hurt like hell!

Later that night I found myself on the phone with my mother [mother of four, grandma of 2... er, 3 in a few weeks' time]. I said that perhaps I have to go through natural but induced labour since I have not reached 39 weeks and I am feeling false contractions already.

I read somewhere that that is better for the baby since natural labour will help push out fluids from the baby's lungs, something a Caesarean section will not give the baby.

Anyhoo, she told me that for natural labour, the pain, horrible, oooo, you will feel like your bottom half is being ripped apart, and you cannot push until the baby starts crowning (which means you can see the baby's head trying to push out of that hole which was previously your vagina) and prior to that you are subjected to torturous, world-ending pain for hours on end since the body is 'expanding' to make way for the baby to come out.

like trying to pass a melon through a straw

"Yeah, I heard that the pain makes you feel like you're half dead."

"No-ap. It makes you feel like you have died."

Oo-kay.... thanks mom. That makes me feel a whole lot better.