NANNY 911

I don't know why I never heard of the show but Nanny 911 (on NTV7, Fridays, 830 to 930pm) is an awesome show where you can learn how to bring up kids - yours included - that you thought were unmanageable. 

There are four nannies; my favourite is stella who has her own page here. On each episode one of the nannies will be assigned to a problematic household, most of which have problems that will really really make you cringe, be suspended in a state of disbelief for an hour or just question whether or not the whole thing is scripted.

For instance, one family has a pig who has its own room inside the house. The mother was portrayed as a parent who loves the pet more than her own kids although I find that hard to believe, but stranger things have happened. Her younger daughter plays with poo (takes it right out of the diaper and flings it around) and both daughters eat their food off the floor and drinks out of a pet dish. Err... yeah, it was one of the worst cases I've seen so far. 

Worst still, the mother doesn't think that there is a problem with it. Although she was worried when the assigned nanny told her that she was running her home like a zoo, she was quite reluctant to change her ways and how she raises her kids. Fair enough, she has been doing it ever since the first child was born but somehow or rather (and this happens for ALL the episodes), within a week of the nanny being with the household, the parents will totally change for the better, the kids will be well mannered and their lifestyle will be more structured. THAT part, I find hard to believe but is willing to readily accept because like all Disney-raised kids, I love happy endings.

Still, there was one particular advice that really stuck to me, which was given by nanny Stella (hence, the reason she was my favourite). She mentioned three things that kids thrive on, structure, rewards and consequences(?) which meant that they must have a structured life, nap at 2pm, play at 4pm, set hours for food, baths, play etc. They also should be allowed the chance to make their own decisions, with all the options and consequences laid out before they should give their final verdict: 'If you jump from that couch one more time, you will be getting a ten-minute timeout at the corner of the room.' And they expect for the rule to be enforced, and strictly, I might add. 

I think it works for western kids I guess, being sent to bed without supper, being sent to their rooms or getting timeouts at the corner. I don't really see my daughter feeling punished over it but then we're on the other side of the world where we drive on the 'wrong side' of the road anyways. =)

I'm not sure what punishment I would allay on her hair but one thing is for sure, she has a fan in her dad, a fan who doubles as her superman, meaning... I am the bad cop, he will always be the good cop and I might add - the good cop who tops/veto/overrules the bad cop. Initially, I wasn't very happy with the idea, but after awhile, even he realises that there has to be a limit to everything and when he turns into the bad cop, and my daughter has nowhere to turn to, that is when she sheds her manipulative outlook and becomes the angel who we love and look forward to seeing and having. 

She stays in that mode for 48 hours tops. 

Anyways, Nanny 911 is very informative but Mama Sing would like to add that you don't have to follow every advice you see on the show down to the very last detail. Follow your intuition and know when to stop, when to hold your ground and when to act as the parents that they 'need' you to be.

HAPPY 53RD BIRTHDAY, MALAYSIA!

In exactly one hour from the beginning of this blog post, the country that I live in, Malaysia will be turning 53. And every year at the end of the month, we find ourselves reminded of what it really means to be patriotic. None of us really know.

I've never 'celebrated' Hari Merdeka (Independence Day) by sticking with a crowd of several tens of thousands to watch a ten minute display of air-polluting fireworks not because I'm a wet blankie but I am part of the generation which celebrates independence day our own way. We don't fly flags on the rooftops of our cars two weeks before the 31st comes because we fear that the flag will get drenched in the rain. Besides, have you ever really thought of what happens to the mini-flags post-merdeka day?

I grew up in a school which taught us that the Malaysian flag should never be allowed to touch the ground so as to not dirty it. It was a rule we held on to, even inside our hearts, and even to this day. We find our own way to remind ourselves and the people around us that independence day is really a day to be celebrated.

For starters, we pay our taxes and summonses as required because 1. we owe it to the government to do our duty and 2. It was our fault anyways and it beats submitting to paying a less hefty fine to get out of trouble aka bribery.

We also don't litter or vandalise government property.

We don't eat our lunches in front of our muslim friends during the fasting month.

We don't tell people to go back to their home country just because we are so powerful we don't get in trouble when we say it out loud OR we're drunk in a parliament session.

We don't make insulting rap songs just to prove a point. That's Namewee's job.

We don't call our friends immigrants, even though we all are. Only Orang Asli's are the real owners of the land that are theirs no longer, politically at least.

Note: I use 'we' throughout the whole post because I'd like to believe that I am not alone. Which I am not.

Call me optimistic. We don't care. We get to pray to our Gods in a country where everyone understands that other people have their own Gods to pray to. We don't crucify others for being different. We don't force others to conform to our religions and practices either. 

That would have been what our forefathers would have wanted for us to do. To cherish the aftermath of a fight for freedom in a time when we had more reason to hate each other and fight each other, but instead, we stuck with each other through thick and thin, followed 1party to freedom and formed a whole new nation on Dataran Merdeka on this very day 53 years ago. 

I wish that we have not forgotten like many other things that we have lost memory of that Tunku Abdul Rahman called Merdeka seven times, not three. And that's the truth because there were thousands of witnesses who heard him and saw him raise his hand to the sky to declare that we are free of colonial rule, that we are free to walk the streets with our heads held high, that we can be called 'citizens' for the very first time after milleniums of being the trophy of conquests, to die by the hundreds of thousands in senseless war brought on by reckless greed and the need to bully and control the weak and defenseless.

I wish that we do not forget our friends in Sabah and Sarawak who joined us on the 16th of September and truly forming Malaysia as we know it now, who celebrate merdeka with the people on Tanah Melayu because they fought their own wars against war-bringers with their own agendas. 

And I wish that we do not forget the many who have died to set us free. We may not know their names or even pronounce them correctly. They may be of Malaysian blood; they may be of foreign blood but there are those who did their part in securing our homeland for us, consciously or not. We remember them by naming streets, landmarks, monuments, schools, universities, megastructures after them... lest we forget.

And there are many who forget. Because forgetting is easy, appreciating is too damn hard.

SPANKING OR SPEAKING SOFTLY?

Eva was sick with the stomach flu two weeks ago. The flu bout lasted a good ten days and I was really drained of energy from what I can still safely call 'taking care' of her, although I didn't really do much. Her dad did most of it, including washing her butt six times a day during her diarrhea marathon. Yes, it was that bad. And no, I am not posting photos to prove it.

Anyways, Eva had fever, diarrhea (we covered that), was vomiting left, right and centre - including once when she vomited all over me and I had no choice but to hold on to her until she finished - was not eating because she had a bloated stomach and was crying and sleeping a lot. The flu also knocked out her dad for a day, he shared most of the same symptoms but recovered after sleeping through it for a full day.

Strangely enough, I just had an awfully busy weekend, working on both days, had achy feet, was suffering from pimples, stressed, lack of sleep, too much coffee and more stress after the event on the weekend and yet... I was fine throughout the whole bout.

... until Eva started demanding extra pampering. And demanded she did.

Constant criers are just asking for it, I say. 

I get it you know? That when babies are sick, they cry a lot.. a whole awful lot. But sometimes it was for no valid reason, they just want to get it out of their system, so when do I get it out of mine? I know it seems like a shallow thing to demand but even though I am a mother, I ain't a saint with an endless amount of patience. 

I let her be usually until she fully recovers; that's when my fuse gets incredibly shorter and to be honest, I blew up several times before I thought of writing this post. But to be clear, it is not because I am advocating the spanking process, in fact, it's the total opposite. At least with Eva, spanking does not work. She prefers the soft-spoken approach.

I spank, you spank, she got spanked

Everybody's happy.

Until she starts throwing a tantrum because we took away her toothbrush (she's going through a teeth-brushing addiction now, most of the time she just bites on the bristles) and she screams on and on and on, her feet kicking ferociously all over the place, she turns and squirms, rolls and wails like a troll, and she does the whole worship routine: while in a seating position she lets her body fall forward until her hands, arms, face, chest and tummy is touching the floor and she continues crying in the safety of er... the floor. *ahem* yes, it is a bit weird but she did it quite consistently so we knew that it was deliberate. Plus, she won't stop until either we give her something she wants (like the packaging box of a medicine tube that she likes to bite, or a toy that is already drowning in her saliva or something as simple as a thing that she can use to make loud noises with) or one of us smacks her. 

I smack her a lot. My heart pains everytime I do and the way she cries is like salt to the wound and she does it very very well. Ultimate guilt trap. So... I stopped. 

And it got to a point where one night I was super tired and decided to turn in early. Eva's dad had night's shift so to speak and Eva threw one of her tantrums only to find her thigh on the smacking end of her dad's palms. It wasn't even as hard as I usually do it, although I go for the spot with the most cushioning as a safety measure. Anyways, she did the whole guilt trap crying bit again and her dad temper was pushed to the brim and his patience meter is totally dried out.

I got up, grabbed Eva who was still crying her heart out and told her softly that she has to stop crying now or Daddy may smack her again. Didn't get her to stop, until I plugged in her pacifier. We all got some sleep, close to five hours' worth... then she woke up and continued sreaming. Her dad was still upset with her fit and so continued sleeping while I tried every method possible to figure out what she wanted. In the end, it was a small drink of water and her pacifier plugged into her mouth again. However, I did notice that she kept waking up in short intervals to check if I was there. 

The following day, she kept sitting close to me, won't let me leave her alone with her dad and she wasn't exactly speaking or responding to her dad the way she normally does. It's one of her main features; her grandma doesn't like it much, she calls it signs of spoilage... as in Eva has been spoiled by her parents, but I disagree. I think that since she looks up to her dad as her saviour everytime I smacked her, now that he has 'turned against her' she wanted him to know that he cannot do that to her without suffering some consequences. 

So the spanking worked for a bit, she did prefer to listen to reason when she found out that both her dad and her mother (me) would not hesitate to smack her if she doesn't behave herself.

Moral of the story is, go with what you think is the best way about this. Do not confine your teaching methods to books or website or even an elder's advice. It's your kid, it's your own flesh and blood, you will figure something out, and chances are, that is the best way for you to teach your kid the rights and wrongs of everything they do. 

Best of luck!

Book Review: The Angel's Game

I attempted Zafon's second book, The Angel's Game last week. While I took close to a month to finish The Shadow of the Wind (see review below), also by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, having read TSOW somehow sped up my reading speed on the Angel's Game. Now on to the review.

Yes, I read this. In three days. 

I preferred TSOW, that was safe enough to say. Simply because I didn't feel cheated by TSOW. With the Angel's Game, I am tempted to say that Zafon did not try hard enough. 

But first... a synopsis (partial spoilers included)

David Martin, the protagonist, was given a chance to write a short story when the editor at the newspaper he was working for could not find anyone to replace a spot in the paper at the very last minute. Martin wrote with all his heart, established a storyline that left his readers wanting more and became a regular at the column until colleagues started succumbing to the evils of envy and start ocstracising him. He was subsequently fired and commissioned to write installments of City of the Damned for two blood-sucking publishers that milked him for all he had, but not before he was able to secure a mansion worthy of mention in the gothic series he created. 

Halfway through the writing process, Cristina, a girl he developed a crush on seeks his help and pointed out that he is better than the dark novels he is writing. He sets out to prove her right, and impress her, by refusing to continue writing what his contract required him to... and started writing what his heart tells him to. 

So far so good...

After a barrage of cruel twists of fate swarm Martin's life, he is approached by a gentleman named Andreas Corelli to write a religious-based book ala the Bible. That's when things begin to get weird. 

And don't get me started on the ending because you're not going to like it.

MAJOR SPOILERS ahead (here's when I start bitching):

Note: Bitching is a harsh word by the way but at the moment, no other word will correctly and quietly surmise what I'm about to do. 

For pete's sake (whoever Pete is, I'm sorry), is the guy schizo or is the devil he was making a deal with killing everyone? Who the heck is this Marlasca fella and what does he have to do with Martin apart from having lived in the home Martin bought? What's up with Irene, Valera, the witch and Salvador? And that last scene? What? Bringing Cristina back in the form of a child is supposed to make Martin feel better? worse? confused?

Sigh...

I want answers! But only because TSOW was so freaking awesome and easily explainable. By the last one-third of the book, everything began to take shape, falling into place in this huge jigsaw puzzle years in the making, and everything was explainable by someone, some reason or some cause. There were solid answers and it wasn't explained away by supernatural means like how TAG was... which left me sorely disappointed.

My futile attempts at sanity

Here are some of my answers as to what may have happened to David Martin during the course of the TAG storyline:

1. Martin died somewhere along the way and this was just something he was going through in purgatory. 

Status of theory: LAME - because you can't really make a deal with the Devil and still be able to meet with people you love, develop relationships with people you like and try to endure people that you hate (deep down inside). If you can, that's called cheating.

2. Martin was a schizo and he is going through a coping mechanism which was what Corelli was in essence.

Status of theory: WORKABLE - because let's face it, the guy has a lousy life and oh, let me count the ways.

(a) Dude had to contend with living with an abusive father.

(b) Dude loses abusive father to a bunch of thugs.

(c) Dude receives only a gun and not enough bullets from his father (hint hint)

(d) Dude develops a crush on Cristina, the daughter of a chauffer. She isn't even that interesting.

(e) Dude loses Cristina to Vidal, the only guy who made most of his life worth living for through multiple acts of charity and under-the-table opportunities.

(f) Dude finds out that Vidal was also the cause that his father died.

(g) Dude also gets the news that the book he wrote for Vidal was getting awesome reviews and selling like hotcakes, without him getting any credit, and worst of all, his only attempt at impressing Cristina gets shelved quicker than he can say "unfair-much".

(h) Dude's mom is not much of a reader - throws the book he wrote away like a piece of trash and that was the last we read of her throughout the whole book.

(i) If you are still looking for more things Martin can be sad about in this list, then you really should just read the book... I'm too sad to list anything else.

(j) At this point, any sane person would one, kill himself or herself or two, go crazy. I'm guessing Martin took route no.2.

So he develops Corelli who gives him something to do... write another book with an imaginary reward, a huge sum of money. And whoever gets in the way, get bummed off, permanently. What he experiences (as he narrates them, unreliably) and what really happened (as heard by someone else who had conversation with him) splits at the fork on the road, multiple times throughout the whole book, ending with him needing to run and live in recluse on an island somewhere because regardless of whether or not he killed all those people, they will hang him for sure, if they catch him. He finds refuge in Corelli bringing him Cristina in the form of a child, with partial memories of her remembering what they had before she was coldly taken away from him under a layer of ice.  

3. Martin did take up the bargain to write for Corelli and somehow Corelli is doing all the dirty deeds.

Status of theory: WORKABLE with conditions - At the end of the book Corelli is basically telling Martin that he only took Cristina away from him and he was sorry and so Corelli brought her back to him. The action was to be interpreted also as a punishment he had for Martin because Martin renegade on him about the book he promised to write but did not finish... Martin would see Cristina grow up, grow old and die, leaving him all alone as he is cursed, damned to live an ageless life all on his own.

This also basically tells us that everything else was done by him, as pointed out by Grandes who says that the angel brooch has always been on Martin's lapel since the first day Grandes met Martin. 

But it does not explain what Diego Marlasca and Ricardo Salvador had to do with all of this. There must be a link between David Martin and Diego Marlasca apart from the same initials and the fact that they lived in the same house, but the link is not apparent to this reader. Maybe whoever it is that lives in that house gets commissioned to write by Corelli. Maybe Marlasca disguised himself as Salvador to hide from Corelli. Maybe Zafon should have just left out that back story and work on expanding Martin's life more - like his mother, why she left his poor father - or Isabella - maybe listen in on more of her conversations with the bookseller, Sempere's son (Daniel Sempere's father) because her conversations with Martin are brilliant - the thing I enjoyed most throughout the book.

On a light-hearted note, I loved how he described Sempere Snr and delivered the backstory about how Isabella came to be Daniel's mother and how Daniel's dad is such a good-looking but 'slow' klutz. He didn't write much about the Cemetery of the Forgotten Books but personally I think he did a pretty good job about it in TSOW. 

I just wished he did better with TAG. I wonder if I am asking too much. On to the next book, woo-hoo!

WORLD PEACE CAN WAIT

The Star Online > Tuesday December 22, 2009

BROTHERS ARGUE OVER INHERITANCE AT MUM'S GRAVE

THREE brothers did not only refuse to look after their ailing mother when she was alive, they even fought over her property at her grave, reported Harian Metro.

The sad case was related by the founder of a home for the aged, Muji Sulaiman, who expressed disgust at the actions of the brothers.

“They quarrelled over their mother’s assets when her grave was still fresh,” he said.

The brothers also demanded that Muji surrender their mother’s death certificate to enable them to withdraw her Amanah Saham Bumi­putra savings although the woman had left instruction for her money to be bequeathed to the needy.

Muji said the woman, who suffered from diabetes and hypertension, was sent to the home by her children about two years ago.

None of the brothers visited her despite numerous calls from workers when her health deteriorated.

The brothers only came to their mother’s grave after she was buried, and then only to fight over her belongings.

----

It is very disturbing, to the point where many adults nowadays chose to remain unmarried and childless, for fear that they will in turn be turned out into the cold by their offspring during their golden years.

But what of those who have kids, and who can celebrate huge gatherings, reunions and kenduris together? What of those with sons who bring them on vacations, who walk patiently and slowly with them behind the busy crowd and hold their hands and lifted their elbows for fear that they misstep? What of the daughters who bring their children home every weekend to visit their grandparents, help their mothers cook and give massages to their fathers?

They are of the same flesh and bone as their violent counterparts, yes, those who hit the elderly, who leave them without protection, shelter or food and who argue at the fresh graves of their recently deceased parents with equally unemotional siblings over their rightfully owned inheritance.

If we are all the same, how can we treat those who brought this to this world so differently?

[Rambling mode kicks in.]

Right, the problem here is the upbringing, the environment and other external factors such as traumatic experiences, the peer group they mix in and the different values of the people they marry.

Say what?

All women go through labour and so they would go to the ends of the earth to protect, love and care for their young ones. No wait, some go through the relatively painless Caesarean section and forgo the all-hell-breaks-loose pain of childbirth.. so that isn't a main factor. While others just deliver the baby then throw them in a dumpster or leave them in religious buildings so someone else more 'responsible' will find the baby and care for it. And they themselvse are off, scot-free. So...

Hey, all parents love their children, even animals know to care for their young ones. No, wait, hamsters eat their young, usually forsaking the first generation so that they can produce stronger second-generation children that will survive in the wilderness or in the cage of a 12-year-old eager beaver. And not all parents love their children the right way: some abuse their children, some shower them with material gifts but none of the parental sort, some just leave them with sitters, grandparents or in homes because they can't take it.

Okay then, so... hey, what about the fact that parents are more educated now and thus will provide children with the best education possible which include being respectful to their elderly. But hey, don't doctors, lawyers and hot shot managers also throw their old and dying parents into homes? Why, yes, and why is that?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because they are academically inclined but not taught the correct moral values or in their pursuit of academic and career excellence, they forgo family, bonds and relationships? Since family will always be there and in most careers, once an opportunity comes and you don't grab it, it may be lost forever, not going home for Chinese New Year suddenly becomes a necessity rather than a choice.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that more women are going to work and no one is around to take care, teach and train their children to be better individuals. Maybe it's because when women are getting better roles in the working world and losing their roles in homes, men are still not chipping in because going to the office is a whole lot more important (and bloody easier) than managing the kids at home, doing housework, managing the kids' schedule around their own work schedule, and during Sundays tending to the bbq and watching football are what they are entitled to after a 'busy' week at work.

Oh, I just don't know.

[Switching back to non-rambling mode.]

Ahem... society is made up all kinds of people. The old Chinese says that 'one type of rice feeds one hundred types of people'. This means that even though we eat the same food, we are not made from the same mould. Some of us prefer chocolate, others vanilla. Some of us are righteous, some cruel and conniving. Some like rainy days, while others have a lot of washing to put out to dry. And as we are with our preferences, we are also as fidget-minded when it comes to loving our family, especially when your spouse who grew up without either of your parents has a say about it.

"I love your mom too but she is becoming senile and I don't want her cursing around the children. I'm tired of picking up after her, cleaning her messes off the floor and having to look for my car keys under her bed everything I need to leave the house. Maybe a home is a better alternative for her. We can afford it and she will have friends there." Argument ensues.

Sometimes couples (or even siblings) argue over the smallest of things, like pinching the toothpaste tube on the middle or from the bottom, taking dinner with the tv or without, and chopsticks vs forks (it happens in my house) sagas. Sooner or later, this flows over to the parent zone. Whether it is staying in the same house with them, or going over to their house for gatherings, or caring for them after hip surgery, if either of the couple finds any of this a hassle, arguments will surely follow. If either of them thinks it is their responsibility as children to care of the elders, that they owe their position in life now to the past contributions of the elders, and that these things are nothing compared to the sacrifices of their parents or parents-in-law did... then perhaps there is hope for the coming generations.

It would be nice to see independent and working adults doing their best for their parents, returning the love and care that their parents showered them with when they were vulnerable and dependent once.

World peace. Can wait.
---
Note: For what it's worth, newspapers only publish the odd and interesting, which usually makes up less than 5% of the normal and mundane real world.

So there is still hope.

GETTING MARRIED AND GOING TO JAIL

The Star Online, Wednesday December 2, 2009

NEWLYWED WHO GAVE BIRTH FACES LEGAL ACTION

A WOMAN who gave birth to a baby girl barely 24 hours after her akad nikah is now in trouble with the Malacca Religious Department (JAIM) for having the child out of wedlock, reported Harian Metro.

The 21-year-old girl married her 28-year-old partner at her family home in Malacca, knowing she was pregnant.

The daily said a group of enforcement officers led by JAIM chief enforcement officer Rahimin Bani went to the Malacca Hospital to take statements from the couple.

“The woman understood when she was told that she had committed the offence of having a child out of wedlock and the couple also admitted to having prohibited sex,” Rahimin was quoted a saying.

He said the woman’s family was aware of her pregnancy and still allowed the solemnisation of her marriage.

He said the woman would be charged under Section 54 of the Malacca Syariah Offences Enact-ment for being pregnant out of wedlock while her husband would be charged under Section 55 for being an accomplice in prohibited sex.

The two can be sentenced to a fine of RM30,000 or jail for 24 months or both if convicted.

---

There are so many ways to react to this article yet the first thing that popped into my mind was: I guess they'd preferred it if the woman got rid of the baby.

What was the couple to do? Abandon the baby and deprive it of a normal life? Why should the child be penalised for something that the parents did wrong?

Yet when the parents decide to take responsibility for their actions, officers come crashing into their family life to tell them the obvious "you had this baby out of wedlock". Well, duh.. Mr Occifer... "and your family knew about this and did not report you, and allowed you to get married anyway." And your point being?

Pre-wedding activities aside, I think that since they took responsibility for their actions, a tinge of leniency and mercy should be given to the couple. 2 years of jailtime for doing the right thing... the idea simply screws up justice in the justice system.

Crud. This just ruins my day.

Leave (Pergi) by Aizat

This is the song Pergi (I Go) that can be found off the soundtrack of Talentime (2009) by Yasmin Ahmad. It is performed by Aizat and composed and written by Pete Teo, the powerhouse behind the 15Malaysia project.



Below is the song lyric to the song and a translation that I hope will do justice to the hauntingly beautiful melody of Pergi.

Pergi
Sayu terpisah
hikayat indah kini hanya tinggal sejarah
berhembus angin rindu
begitu nyamannya terhidu wangian kasihmu

hujan lebat mencurah kini

bagaikan tiada henti

kaulah laguku
kau irama terindah
tak lagi kudengari

kau pergi.. pergi..

sepi tanpa kata
terdiam dan kaku tak daya kau kulupa
apa pun kata mereka
biarkan kenangan berbunga di ranting usia

--

Leave
sad and separated
a beautiful story is now history
exhaling the wind of longingness
so fresh the scent of your love

heavy rains now pour

as though it knows no end

you are my song
that sweet melody i know
that i no longer hear

you leave.. left..

in silence, without words,
quiet and stiff, i cannot forget you
no matter what they say
let the memories grow on the branches of age
--

Note: I think that it is better translated as Leave instead of Go and since it is my blog and my translation I think it is okay to leave it as that.

WHAT IS AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY?

The office was supposed to be surprised by good news of a colleague just conceiving. However, after several agonizing visits to the doctor’s, my colleague was given the sad news that she may not be able to keep the baby. The final results are to come out in two days' time but essentially, the problem is that she has conceived, but the embryo is not at the right place.

This is known as an ectopic pregnancy.

An ectopic pregnancy occurs when an implantation has occurred but not on the uterine wall. This means that it could be anywhere else, in the Fallopian tube, in the ovary or even in the abdomen. An ectopic pregnancy usually will self-abort, in the form of a miscarriage due to the embryo not receiving a sufficient supply of blood, which it would have found had it been implanted on the uterine wall.

Tubal abortions may go unnoticed and can be left untreated. However, some ectopic pregnancies may cause ruptures in the Fallopian tubes and cause pain in the abdomen or vaginal bleeding. Excessive bleeding may endanger the mother’s life and the mother should seek medical attention immediately.

In my colleague’s case, the embryo is in around its 4th week. She has a history of irregular menstrual periods. Her last one was three month’s back.

When the doctor told her the possibility of her not being able to keep the baby, she was extremely sad. She sought medical opinions from two other doctors but they all told her the same story.

This is what the embryo would have looked like in another 4 weeks.

Early on in my pregnancy before it was confirmed I was experiencing pain in my left abdomen. I was 6 weeks pregnant at the time and my menstrual period was 12 days late. I had the feeling that I was pregnant although I didn’t act on the instinct by checking myself with a pregnancy kit or taking better care of my diet and drinking less coffee. I felt that I was already carrying a baby but I never dreamt that the feeling could be true.

If it wasn’t for that abdominal pain, I wouldn’t have read up on ectopic pregnancies or gone to see the doctor. Turns out, it was just gas, something I suffered severely from throughout the 9 months of pregnancy. Still, this experience carried two lessons: that you should always listen to your body and that you should always visit the doctor when your body tells you to.

Getting pregnant: It's not as easy as it sounds.

I was talking to a colleague yesterday. In my job, there are only three kinds of editors in the academic line: the Science geeks, the sastera or literature geeks and the Maths geeks. Okay, geek is a strong word... but it summarizes how we are in each field/subject.

My colleague is in the Maths category and so she is good with numbers but a dunce in everything general, worldly or scientific. As she only worked with the company for a year, she is relatively a newbie in the working world, hasn't gotten her own car or house yet, has not got married and has not started thinking about having kids. 

My discussions with her are usually one-way: me dispensing geeky information and she, absorbing it. Which is a good combo as I like dispensing and she likes absorbing. 

Our topic for yesterday: how easy is it to get pregnant?

Despite the many times you've heard a couple getting pregnant 'accidentally' (unplanned), a pregnancy is not as easy to come by as one might think. There are so many obstacles to this process of making a new individual out of two cells an ovum and a sperm. I promise you this explanation is child-safe and good to know if you want to or do not want to get pregnant in the short run.

There are several obstacles preventing a fertile healthy woman from getting pregnant.

Obstacle 1: Timing

You know that 'golden' time of the month that women have... yeah, the time when she is most fertile. It is in a small window of three days only around Day 14 to Day 17 of her menstrual cycle. Ok, before I lose you there, here are some basic information you may need. 

A menstrual cycle is calculated based on the fact that the first day you menstruate is Day 1. If your menstrual lasts for 7 days, then your fertile period would be another 7 days after the last day of your menstruation period. Now that we are clear on that... If a couple is to engage in sexual activity within those three days, it is highly likely that the sperm cell can meet the ovum. For some women it is a 5-day window. Results may vary.

Obstacle 2: Which way?

The good news is a normal woman has 2 ovaries and 2 fallopian tubes. The bad news is only one ovary will release one egg every month. There is no telling which ovaries will do the releasing every month and it is not like they take turns and alternate without fail. If the sperm cells were to take the wrong turn then they made the journey for nothing. Sorry, mates.

Then again there are millions of mates to ensure that they can always divide and conquer both ovaries. And as all textbooks tell you, only one will be rewarded for the journey. This is what they claim 'the strongest and fittest cell amongst the millions of others to survive the journey and be rewarded with fertilisation.'

Obstacle 3: Divide and conquer

Once the sperm cell meets the ovum and fertilization occurs, a zygote is form. This is a single cell which will eventually divide into two cells, then four then eight and continue exponentially until a blastomere is formed. As long as there is division, there is hope. If division stops, then no new individual will form. This is also the stage which determines whether there will be only one baby, two babies or more.

Obstacle 4: Making connections

The blastomere will make its way along the fallopian tube and by the time it exits the fallopian tube, it will turn into a blastocyst. It must then embed itself on the uterine wall where the placenta and the umbilical cord will form. Implantations that occur outside of the uterus, for instance, in the fallopian tube, are known as ectopic pregnancies. These pregnancies may pose an element of danger to the mother and the developing foetus.

Obstacle 5: 10 months when anything can go wrong

A baby develops from a single cell over a period of 40 weeks which is actually 10 months instead of nine. In the medical field, those 40 weeks are divided into three trimesters. The embryo is most fragile in the first trimester, partly because most women do not know that they are pregnant until the embryo is entering its second month. The second trimester is when most of the basic structures develop and the third trimester is when the babies put on weight. This would explain why babies on average only weight 1.5 kg in the womb in the 7th month of pregnancy. Their weights can balloon up til 3 or 4 kgs by the time they leave the womb.

The mother is constantly tired as her baby acts like a parasite, sucking up nutrients (like calcium from bones) and causing discomfort to the mother by way of a tummy that gets so big, it gets in the way of everything. She must be careful not to fall, have her tummy hit or injured in anyway that could harm the baby inside. She is also prone to many diseases like diabetes or high blood pressure during her pregnancy. This is hazardous to the mother and the baby though the condition can still be controlled through diet or with medication.

During this period it is also very important for the mother to keepsafe herself and her baby physically and in the form of her food, or more precisely, her nutrient intake. Having an overweight baby could cause the baby's heart to stop, although why this happen, scientists have yet to discover. In other cases, the embryo may not develop correctly and halfway through the pregnancy, be discovered as a lump of flesh only. Babies may also have a hard time gaining weight during the third trimester for reasons unknown and while the mother keeps putting on the pounds, they hover at the slightly below 3 kg range until they get delivered. 

Heavier babies are also harder to deliver although smaller babies may also cause complications during labour due to being in a breech position (standing upright instead of the preferred bottoms up!). A baby may also have the umbilical cord tight around their necks which prompts a C-section instead of a normal delivery. 

And those are just some of the things that can go wrong.

Obstacle 6: Going through the whole 10 months willingly 

Knowing Obstacle 5, you can be sure many women are reluctant to go through a pregnancy, as so many things can go wrong. Apart from those listed, there are other symptoms that affect the pregnant mother. Some mothers develop gestational diabetes during the pregnancy which goes away by itself after labour; me included. This is due to the changes in the mother's hormone levels during the pregnancy. Other symptoms may include bleeding gums, pigmentation on the face, underarms and other parts of the body, nausea and constant wretching known as 'morning sickness'  though it happens throughout the day (and at night), constant lethargy and itchiness as well as rashes on the thighs, stomach or the back. The constant throwing up is enough to make one give up.

So how is it that there are 6 billion people in the world today? That means that there were 6 billion pregnancies that had overcome all the obstacles above; statements of human perseverance overcoming the insurmountable. Plus, women get angry easily but they forget just as easily too. That is why we are the sex that was given the task of bringing life into the world. 

Be proud to be women. 

Be proud to be mothers.

Reading - The Ultimate Pastime

I read Enid Blyton as I was growing up in the small town of Tawau in Sabah (part of Borneo, where Sipadan Island and Pulau Tiga is).

By 12, I read Agatha Christie (Who killed Roger Ackroyd?) and Sir Author Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes)

At 15, it was Shakespeare (the abridged versions because who reads the originals?): The Merchant of Venice was my favourite.

In university, I read Jeffrey Archer. I love practically all his works except the Prison Diaries.

In the first year I came out to work, I read Dan Brown (love the concept, not so keen on the story), and Kate Mosse. As well as the last book in the Harry Potter series. I love JK Rowling.

Now I read just about any book that comes recommended... and some that don't. But who sets rules when it comes to reading?

Currently, I have at hand A Prisoner of Birth by Jeffrey Archer (forever a fan of his) and let me say that this is what it feels like when one says "someone has to prise me off the book".

It mirrors the story known as The Count of Monte Cristo. Edward Dumas, and his love Mercedes has been replaced with modern-day Danny Cartwright and Beth. Instead of a Count, the protagonist is now a knight, a Sir. There were many other similarities between the two stories but so far, in the reviews I've read, no one said anything about Mr Archer ripping off the original.

By the way, Jeffrey Archer was a member of parliament, and has been incarcerated before. The circumstances on which he was put away shows heavily on this new book, which would explain how he could tell effectively how one can get framed for a crime he didn't commit, quite easily. He has since declared his withdrawal from politics and will focus fully on his writing. Which I think is good news for fans like me *grins*.

I have not reached the end of the book, trying very hard to but with a 4-mth old brat at the side, you find time slipping out of your hand like grains of sand. Looking forward to his trademark twist-in-the-tale climax. One thing's for sure.. Jeffrey Archer never disappoints.

Halal

Malaysia is a Muslim country but non-Muslims are given allowances to practise their own cultures. This is why you find plenty of dishes here cooked with pork as a main or side ingredient.

And whilst many neutral establishments would say that they serve no pork, what they serve may not be halal: a requirement or condition of the type of food that Muslims are allowed to consume.

Many of us, including Malaysians misunderstand the meaning of the world Halal. We tend to synonymize the word with Pork, a notion which is far from the truth. See the following video, Halal, another project from 15Malaysia for a slapstick form of explanation to what it really means.



I'd like to add a side explanation about why many people would mistake pork- and lard-free for being halal foods. In order for food to be halal, it has to be slaughtered in the most humane way possible. Yes, I know... how can 'slaughter' and 'humane' be used in the same sentence and still make sense?

The kill
Well, it is quite impossible to eat meat without first killing the source first, and whilst many slaughterhouses use electricity or other methods that liken to murder to achieve that goal, animals/meat that are prepared in halal form .. die fast, and relatively painlessly. They use a method of slaughter which is so quick that (I've heard) the animals can still blink after the cut has been delivered. This I learned from hearsay.

Compare that to the way my mother in law kills the geese that she rears and you will agree that it is a more humane way. I heard from my husband that she slits their throats, then lets them run around, the head dangling from the neck by thin strips, until they bleed out and die. You can imagine the mess they make.

Now before you go calling for petitions to against my mother in law, she has stopped rearing geese because they are so damn loud and fierce and I have no proof of this having happened... though it does make for a good conversation piece. And it does drive my point home.

Why no Pork?
Well, it seems that pigs are the only animals that have cloven hooves and no necks. It has been stated in the holy book that this animal cannot be consumed because of those two characteristics. Pigs having no necks cannot be killed in the halal form and thus cannot be killed humanely (as required by the religion) and thus cannot be consumed because it cannot ever be 'halal'. This I learn from wikipedia.

Benefits of halal (and kosher)
Animals that were killed in the halal and kosher (will get to that later) way do not 'suffer' and thus do not hyperventilate or wriggle violently like a fish out of water (at the brink of death). This allows the meat to be more tender and palatable due to the lack of lactic acid build up in the body. This I learn from my course in university.

Kosher
Kosher food is the equivalent of halal foods. Kosher is practised by Jews. Halal is practised by Muslims. Again, if you look closely, there are many ways that peoples are alike.

Why then do we still like to focus on the differences that separate us?

Remembering Yasmin 10 days on...

It’s been 10 days since the passing of Yasmin Ahmad. I find it very hard to write about it as much as I find it hard not to. Like many other greats we’ve lost this year, news of her death came so suddenly. However, none of the other deaths carry as much impact to Malaysia than hers and hers alone.

I read that some want to portray her as the true icon of the 1Malaysia concept. If that was to happen, in her spirit, then I truly believe that true unity is possible in a nation so diverse as ours.

But it is quite impossible in reality.

For how many people share her passion for diversity, her acceptance of all that is different and her ability to make us feel that we are all the same inside, under our dark, yellow or white skins.

Even if we dare think it, how many dare translate that into actions, such as hers, to portray the morphing of different cultures, different tastes into a single melting pot that everyone can feed from together?

And how many can do it without getting onto another’s bad side? Or still be liked and loved for it at the end of the day?

I view her in that light. And when she passes, that light left with her into the darkness.

But she will be remembered, both in tears and in laughter, for the many things she has done for our country, for the many times she has touched us and left us tearing up, even if it’s just for a few seconds before every Merdeka, Deepavali, Raya or CNY.

There are many people who are not willing to share their cultures with others, nor do they want to understand the cultures of others different from them. With Yasmin Ahmad, rest her soul, she opened up the barriers, let us all in, taught us and fed us with hope and love.

If some say that she left us too early and that her work here is not done, I say that if she is sorely missed for the things she did in the short time she was here, then her work is.

She will be missed. She still is being missed.

June 26 - The world lost a legend.

June 26 - The world lost a legend.

There are few people who did not listen to Michael Jackson's songs while growing up. Ben, ABC, I want you back, She's out of my life, Thriller, Black or White, Remember the time, The way you make me feel, the Earth Song, Heal the World, We are the world and so many other memorable songs that span close to 40 years of pure entertainment.

His songs have been covered by so many artistes, listened by so many people, his dance moved copied by kids 5 years of age to 50 year olds.

His name is a soy drink here and yesterday I heard on the radio that it was a type of bread the mamak sell at the stall as well.

On my drive home from work yesterday, traffic was slow, I noticed. I myself was barely doing 70 on the highway because I was listening and savouring MJ's music on the radio. It had been like that since morning, since news of his passing spread across the nation. All the radios did tributes to him, played his biggest hits, asked callers to call in and tell the station how MJ reminded them of their childhood.

Then, there are people who say things like the children of the world are safe once more and he pulled one crotch too many as a reason for his early demise. It is not nice to speak ill of the dead but I guess there are many non-fans out there who thought it cool to speak ill of MJ's death.

But in truth, he was pretty much the most spoken about person in the world yesterday - June 26th.

We've lost so much these recent few years. Sigh, Heath Ledger, Steve Irwin, David Carradine, now Michael Jackson. Either I'm growing older or people are dying younger nowadays. Seems like both is true.

Do you remember the time...

RIP Michael.

Mr Robert Raymer, writer

I really love writing. Once an idea or a concept attaches to my mind, the words flow out of my fingers without forethought and the story or write-up shapes itself into its final form in front of my eyes. Add editing skills to that and I am set for life.

So what would be the coolest thing to happen to a would-be writer, a lowly humble scribbler like me?

The answer: To be shot down and brought back to reality by a real writer.

Best thing to have ever happen in my life.

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Lovers and Strangers and Lovers and Strangers, Revisited (see below) were written by a Mr Robert Raymer, father of three, established and prolific writer, published author (it's redundant but I still need to say it) and former Creative Writing lecturer in USM, which was where I had the privilege to study under him.

Lovers and Strangers, Revisited by Robert Raymer

This reminds me, I gotta go get myself a copy. Damn you, procrastinating side of self.

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I was lucky that during my 3 years in university, the nation had ourselves our first and only low-cost airline (Thanks tony) which allowed me to fly home without burning holes in my ragged, torn pockets. In one of these flights, I happen to chance upon an article written by a Raymer fella, who claims to teach Creative Writing in USM, in one of the in-flight magazines. Out of curiousity, I ventured into unknown territory (I was in Technology and Sciences and he was teaching in Languages) and got myself enrolled in his class during my final year.

First day in class, whoa, he doesn't look like he's from around here. And once he opens his mouth, Yup, he's not from around here.

He tells our class of 17 that he has had complaints from previous batches of students that they don't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. He says tough luck, he can't change his accent. Deal with it or drop out.

I became a fan for life.

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Throughout the semester, I found out that he had backpacked in over 30 countries, that his family had frantically called Red Crescent to ask if they found his body amongst the people who drowned due to the tsunami that occurred in Sri Lanka on Boxing Day 2004, which also hit Penang (where my university was and where he resides with his wife), that he was a workaholic, that he pushes his students a lot and that surprisingly brings out the best of them, and that he has a lot of ex-students who are proud to call him their teacher (google his name), that he views things differently and appreciates things that we Malaysians take for granted, that he is a doting father and that he is one of the pushing forces, an advocate, a voice for people who want to write in Malaysia. Imagine that, a foreigner helping locals to learn to be a writer. Please do not resent that last statement, I'm just saying it as it is.

He also has an exceptional memory. Either that or he refers to his journals a lot and so remembers most of his ex-students. And you can be sure that most of his ex-students remember him.

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His class was very trying and if you are not in love with... no no no, if you are not obsessed with writing, you wouldn't have survived it. He gives you assignments throughout the whole semester, each assignment taking up merely 10% of your final grade.

If your writing sucks, do over.

If you missed what he asked for, do over.

If you do not deliver what he believes you can deliver, yup, do over. Hey, how did he know how far you can go? Good question, Mr Question out of nowhere... I believe that he sizes you up from the first assignment he gives you.

I can almost remember the way he delivered that first assignment.

Mr. Raymer: Write... an autobiography of yourself.
Clueless students: Wow, that was boring / easy / predictable / second grade...
Mr. Raymer: ...on a piece of A4 paper, 12 pt Times, double spacing.
Clueless students: I thought he finished talking / Did we hear him right? / How does one summarizes one's life on a single piece of paper? / What's double spacing?
Mr. Raymer: Use only the front side of the paper.
Clueless students: Ok, now I think he is loco / Omg, he looks serious. / Is it too late to drop this paper? / What's double spacing?
Mr. Raymer: This will take up 10% of your final grade. Once you've picked your jaw off the floor, figure it out and come to me for help, if you need it.
Clueless students: (all) Where's your office?!

Ok, maybe it didn't go exactly like that but the calmness from him and shock from us was pretty much as portrayed. I killed so many trees with that assignment. But I managed to pull through. And got him to remember my name, I think. Either that, or he read from the roster.

In between there were plenty of other assignments but our last one... yup, our last assignment was freestyle. The only catch was we had to write it in the first person and if possible in present tense. We were supposed to write about something we really know inside out, and that for me would be... the twist ending.

From the beginning I knew what I wanted to write and so I got to it.

After we had submitted our first drafts, my idea, among many others, was picked out and discussed in class. It was part of the exercise. Everyone knows what everyone is writing and once it is out in the open, your storyline is up for attacks from 'critics'. That is how it is in real life, and so he subjects our work, and us, to it early on. Only difference here is after the attack, the whole class has to work together to 'fix' the attacked storyline. Then the battered survivor takes their piece home and reworks it.

My idea... well, Mr Raymer liked my idea... but he massacred the way I delivered it. He asked so many questions that I couldn't answer. That I've never even thought of. So many questions that the rest of the class couldn't answer either. It was like I caught myself in a checkmate in a chess fight with myself. And nobody in class or in the whole university can help me.

Instead of being upset by the confrontation, I actually found reason in what he said. I pondered over his questions, met with him a couple more times, thought about his questions some more, probed my mind for the answers, the viewpoints... I almost went mad.

And then... I did what he told us to do.

I threw away my draft and started afresh, bearing in mind all the different ways he taught me on how one can massacre a story and what I should be doing to avoid the second massacre.

My labour of love, a story about a crossdresser finding love in a most unexpected way, got me an A. I don't believe I've worked harder on any other assignment in university throughout those three years.

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Last I heard from him, he was teaching in Unimas, a university in Kuching, Sarawak, is a judge in the MPH-Alliance Story Writing Competition and has three blogs to his name. I'm not sure which ones are still active but there are plenty of things that you can read up on in all three blogs.

Borneo Expat Writer and its counterpart as well as this interesting blog, The story behind the story.

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And if you are wondering, I wrote about a male crossdresser who is preparing for his wedding to a man his workaholic and control freak sister introduced him to. His two other sisters are helping him, I mean her, into her wedding dress and making last minute arrangements to her wedding. She contemplates telling her future bridegroom about her true self and about the plans of future sacrifices (surgeries) that she would make to ensure that she becomes the woman in her fiance's life. But a part of her feels that she must know if her groom can accept the person that she really is before they walk down the aisle. It would also be a fright for him to find out who she really is on their wedding night without prior warning.

Once she has a minute to herself, she sneaks out of her dressing room to meet up with her future husband. She finds him on his way out of his room. The man remarks that it is bad luck to see the bride before the wedding but he has something important to tell her. She demands to go first and tells him the reason that she has not slept with him before getting married despite it being the 21st century and all is because she has a secret to hide: she is a male crossdresser. She lunges into a tirade of self explanation and divulges her plans to save up for surgeries that would make her the bride of his dreams.

She finds him in a state of shock and deep down inside she feels that all is lost and that she has made the wrong call whereas he will be calling off the wedding. He leaves her side. She drops and starts crying. He comes back and sits down next to her and shows her, in his hand, a picture of a little girl. She composes herself and making small talk, says that the girl is lovely and somewhat familiar.

The guy confesses that he is that little girl. The thing he wanted to tell her before the wedding was that he is a female crossdresser. His shocked look was not of her cover up but more of the irony of the situation. They both start laughing and they hug. They decide for the wedding to continue as planned as love should transcend all boundaries, including the sexes of the bride- and groom-to-be.

The bride also takes a minute to reexamine his control freak sister's love for him and wonders, since the two of them were introduced to each other through her, if she had planned this happy ending all along.

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